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How to Comfort Your Child After a Death

There is never an easy way to deal with death, but there are some things you can do to help soothe your little one.

Death is hard for everyone, regardless of age. Even children too young to understand the implications of loss can feel sad and confused when their loved one goes away. Here are some things to keep in mind when it comes to your child and handling loss.

Be there for them

Death is often confusing to very small children, especially if the deceased was someone they had become accustomed to seeing. To suddenly stop seeing someone can be scary, so make sure your child still sees you every day. Even while you are grieving, don’t shut yourself up away from your child because you don’t want them to see you upset. This is natural, and even though your child may not understand why you are sad, they will still be comforted by knowing you have not disappeared as well.

Don’t confuse them

When the time comes to tell your child about the passing, it’s tempting to use words that you hope will soften the blow. Don’t. Saying things like, “Grandpa has gone to a better place,” or “Spot is no longer with us,” can confuse your child and may lead to them being more frustrated than anything. It’s okay to say something like, “I have to tell you something sad. Auntie Pam died today.” It may seem harsh to use those words but it’s important your child understands what happened. After you tell them, pause to ensure they understand and answer any questions they may have as honestly as possible. You don’t have to tell them all the details but help them to not be confused about what you are telling them.

Don’t expect a reaction

Everyone responds to grief differently. Some children will cry, while others will have no reaction at all. Try not to worry if you get an unexpected reaction, but be there to offer reassurance.

Set expectations

Change often follows loss. Maybe you will have to move or someone else will be picking them up from school from now on. Whatever it is, it’s important to explain to your child what will change for them. Try to do this after they get over the initial shock, but don’t put it off too long so your child has time to prepare for those changes.

Talk about feelings

Sometimes it feels like we have to put on a brave face for our children to help them through difficult times. However, it’s also important to be open about how you feel so they can put a name to their own emotions. Ask them to tell you what they’re feeling and help them understand it’s okay to feel that way and it will get better after a while.

Talk about the deceased

It can be really helpful to remember all the good things about the lost loved one. Help your child remember these things or even write a letter to them to say all the things they didn’t get a chance to. If there is a keepsake of the deceased, giving it to your child may help them feel closer to that person and keep the positive memory alive.

Give it time

Just like everyone grieves in their own way, everyone heals at their own pace. Recovering from loss is something that may take your child a while. Make sure you continue to support them and ask them how they are feeling. Give them the respect they deserve and don’t discredit their feelings. Sometimes doing special things helps take their mind off of the loss and can help them feel more like themselves, but it may take time no matter what you do.

If you feel like your child is having too much difficulty coping with loss, it wouldn’t hurt to seek outside guidance. A lot of schools have grief consolers or your child’s doctor should be able to refer you to a specialist.

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