Parents have been giving time outs for generations. And although they may seem like an inadequate way to deal with misbehavior, it’s really just how we do it that needs an update.
We’ve all been there, your child is bouncing off the walls, and they break something. “That’s it! Time out,” you yell and set them off to the side so they can think about what they have done. Here are some ways giving a time out that can be done better.
Don’t give empty threats
During a hectic day filled with tasks off of a never-ending to-do list, it can be easy to fall into the habit of warning a misbehaving child that if they don’t straighten out they will get a time out. It may work for a while, but eventually, it will not only stop working but also lose its effectiveness when you actually follow through.
Instead
When you see that your child needs some time to recognize bad behavior and gain control of themselves, give them one warning that is clear. Try saying something like “Put the book down before I count to five or you will have a time-out.” Then, count to five and if your child has not self-corrected, then proceed with the time out.
Don’t shame your child
Time out, when done correctly, is an opportunity for your child to distance themselves from an environment that may be overstimulating and to correct unappreciated behavior. Refrain from speaking negatively about needing a time out, such as saying things like, “This is what happens when you’re bad, you sit in the bad chair.” This only makes your child feel that they are bad versus the behavior.
Instead
Tell them exactly why they are getting a time out in clear short words. “No screaming, time out.” Refer to the behavior so that your child knows that the two are directly correlated. Try to position time out as an opportunity by saying something like, “Let’s take a break and think about what we’re doing.”
Don’t talk too much
It is tempting to give your child a lecture while they are in time out about how they wound up there. What you are actually doing is giving them attention when they should be able to use the time to work out for themselves what the problem is.
Instead
For whatever time you have set, ensure they are quietly sitting for it. Do not engage your child even if they are trying to engage with you. Allow them to think uninterrupted while they return to a calm state.
Don’t overdo it
Avoid making time out to long. You may be tempted to set the time based off of the offense, but again, this is not so much a punishment for the behavior as it is an opportunity to reflect. Your child may not need a long time to recognize what they have done wrong or to regain control of their emotions.
Instead
Try to set the time short (think three to five minutes), and adjust as you see fit for future time outs. Don’t set the time out to two minutes and then extend it to three, end it at two minutes even if your child is still upset and if necessary make it three for future usage of time out. Use your discretion on the time.
Don’t use it as an escape
It can be difficult to resist the urge to yell back at a screaming child. However, it is essential to remain calm to not only set a good example but also so they don’t feel like they are being put in a time out so that you get the last word.
Instead
Tell your child, if they want to continue talking to you they can do so after their time out. Typically they will have gotten over whatever had upset them by the time they are released from time out. If not, then you can have a conversation with them, both of you a little calmer.
The final say on how you and your child work things out is up to you. If what you are doing works for your family, continue to do it. But, if your way doesn’t seem to get the results that you like, try these tips and talk to your child’s doctor for professional advice.
